Middle of nowhere (Hell's Backbone Grill)

On our trip cross-country, we had our most upscale meal in the tiny little town of Boulder, UT. In a town that is 90% Mormon, a couple of Zen buddhists have opened a successful restaurant that is known throughout the state as a foodie's destination. The chefs use ingredients from their garden or from local farmers, and go as much as they can with flavors and dishes from the Native American tribes that still live in the area. The setting is absolutely stunning, with the giant rock formations of Southern Utah in full view from the restaurant patio (Boulder is in between Capitol Reef National Park and Bryce Canyon, two of the greatest things I have ever seen). The restaurant is devoid of pretense, instead choosing a homey, comforting waiting style. And there's one other thing: the food is terrible.

I had such high hopes for this place when we found out its history. At first, the local Mormons were wary of these outsiders, and it took the Hell's Backbone Grill several years to get its liquor license from the county. You can read more about the story on their website, but it's pretty interesting and inspiring, for the dining community at least.

One look at the menu, though, and I was already confused. Several of the dishes looked like something from an Applebee's menu. The specials (a stuffed zucchini and an enchilada) sounded like home cooking. Still, we wanted to give it a fair shot, and so ordered a wide variety of appetizers.

The first few appetizers were fine, but completely uninteresting. The best thing was a fennel salad with lemon-tarragon vinaigrette. The "minted peas" were just snow peas with a trace of mint. Everything was very fresh, but the preparation wasn't anything I'd have been proud of if I had it made for myself. And, as you can tell from the pictures, the chefs were obsessed with garnishing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, with edible flowers from their garden. They were too big, and while they may have been edible, they certainly didn't taste good. A lot of insects are edible too, you know?The fennel salad

However, the atrocities came in the form of entrees. My pork chop was rare in the middle. Only red meat should be served rare. The peach barbecue sauce it came with was decent, I guess, but I couldn't get over the fact that they had served me uncooked white meat. Lauren's trout was sickly sweet, glazed with way too much molasses. All the garnishes were steamed or grilled vegetables, which again made me feel like I was eating mediocre home cooking. With most of the entrees priced over $30, this was mind-blowing. How the people at Zagat gave it such a high rating is beyond me.Pork chop, raw
Trout

We finished with uninteresting desserts like an apricot fool and some apple pie. I couldn't help but feel let down by the place. In Europe, these types of restaurants exist everywhere, but the quality is on par with, if not better than big city restaurants. In Boulder, UT, all it takes to gain a little fame is a poisonous pork chop and a vegetable garden. It just shows how far we have to go. New York, Chicago, DC, San Francisco, etc. may have great food, but it's in the heartland that you can truly define a culinary culture. And judging by this place, the heartland kinda sucks right now.

Junk sophisticate

...and we're back.

I'm in Napa Valley, one of the epicenters of food and wine in the Western world, home of the French Laundry, perhaps the most famous restaurant in America, etc. However, I don't want to talk about that yet. I want to talk about how I got here.

Lauren and I, unsurprisingly, had planned to make our road trip across the country a somewhat gourmet one, with ideas of discovering the great restaurants of the American heartland, and of buying breakfast at local farmers' markets. Unfortunately, when you're driving 8 hours a day, there isn't much time to look for that stuff. Instead, we were forced to eat a lot of packaged and fast foods.

You may think that this would have put me in a deep sadness, but au contraire. Those who know me well understand that my philosophy on food extends to every category of edible things, junk food included. I simply believe that within each category, there good executions and bad ones. I'll take a deliciously executed bag of potato chips over a terribly executed piece of quail any day.

While we got to sample a wide array of junk foods, mostly from gas stations and fast food outlets, two new discoveries were particularly worthy of mention. The first was, in fact, a bag of potato chips. It seems that Lays has introduced a new range of flavors aimed at Latinos, one of which is "limon". Being Latino myself, I was very excited to try these chips. Actually, the real reason for my excitement dates back to my days at Swarthmore College, where I would double the value of my meals at the famed Tarble snack bar by loading up on free chips and dipping them in fake lemon juice concentrate, which was mysteriously one of the condiments available there. My poor friends always had to wait for me to consume the requisite 1/2 pound of chips. By the end, the entire table, as well my pants and shirt, were covered in chip crumbs, and my mouth was at a permanent pucker from the acidity. Still, I loved it and would continue to eat them if I didn't have any self-respect. The limon chips solved this problem for me.

On the road trip, I was also able to sample an item that's been rocking the food world. The item in question has even surfaced on the most elitist of foodie websites, with serious discussions on its culinary merit. I am of course talking about the KFC "bowls", perhaps the most attractively advertised food product to come out in recent years. It's no wonder that everyone has been attracted the layers of mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, fried chicken and cheese. The taste is reminiscent of the most delicious of baby foods, with some texture to remind you you have teeth. Mine happened to have freshly fried popcorn chicken, but I hear that the versions with staler poultry are quite disappointing. However, for me, there could have been nothing better as we crossed the border between Nebraska and Colorado at 11pm with 3 hours of driving ahead of us.

We also ate many runts, whoppers, Doritos (what's with all the new flavors?) and discovered that mango-flavored Propel water is disgusting. I promise the next post will be about something more exciting (though I can't think of anything that's excited me more than the KFC bowls).